Thoughts and Ramblings: Love Thyself
You know, I always wanted to be part of the in crowd in high school, to stand out and be be part of an 'elite' group. I think I just desired the ability to have such a bunch of close knit friends, and be different. Somehow getting cancer brought me that, entrance into a very exclusive group, 'the cancer club'. Sometimes you get what you wish for, and it doesn't always turn out like you expect it. Cancer gets you tons of attention, but you really don't want it; suddenly your life is on the line, entrusted to a doctor's hands. My choices were aplenty, but I never had the chance to not choose and walk away; because I had chose life and to fight for what it seemed everybody else had, their health.
Once in awhile I dream about it, waking up and getting my old life back. I imagine waking up in the morning worrying about doing my hair and wedding planning. I suddenly have a whole year back of my life, where I get married, start medical school and think about planning a family. I wish for that year back in my life, and I would run and tell my old self to love everyday a little more, spend a little more money because you shouldn't save yourself for tomorrow. I would convince my old self that I am truly beautiful, and that my body is perfect--and that I should revel in that fact. I would console myself and let me know then that growing old is actually a great thing! Look forward to wrinkles and laugh lines and rounding out of the body, because that just shows how well time has let you stay. I would also let myself know that driving in the snow isn't really that scary and that failing an exam would not be the end of the world. I would teach myself how to really listen to others' stories about their cancer and know the work involved for treatment. I would show myself all the beautiful pictures of women going through treatment and say that only the strong it seems get cancer. I would tell myself to worry not, because time can be so much better spent. I think I would tell myself to love myself more, because when true hardship comes my way, I am the one who has to fight, and I need to be able to depend on myself and learn to accept help from others. So if I could get the last year back, I would teach myself all the things I learned from cancer, because somehow fate has made such lessons in my life important.
Once in awhile I dream about it, waking up and getting my old life back. I imagine waking up in the morning worrying about doing my hair and wedding planning. I suddenly have a whole year back of my life, where I get married, start medical school and think about planning a family. I wish for that year back in my life, and I would run and tell my old self to love everyday a little more, spend a little more money because you shouldn't save yourself for tomorrow. I would convince my old self that I am truly beautiful, and that my body is perfect--and that I should revel in that fact. I would console myself and let me know then that growing old is actually a great thing! Look forward to wrinkles and laugh lines and rounding out of the body, because that just shows how well time has let you stay. I would also let myself know that driving in the snow isn't really that scary and that failing an exam would not be the end of the world. I would teach myself how to really listen to others' stories about their cancer and know the work involved for treatment. I would show myself all the beautiful pictures of women going through treatment and say that only the strong it seems get cancer. I would tell myself to worry not, because time can be so much better spent. I think I would tell myself to love myself more, because when true hardship comes my way, I am the one who has to fight, and I need to be able to depend on myself and learn to accept help from others. So if I could get the last year back, I would teach myself all the things I learned from cancer, because somehow fate has made such lessons in my life important.
posted by JD @ 12:54 AM
2 Comments:
At 2:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
Yeah driving in the snow can be tough, but you could always move to a warm weather climate!
I'm sure there's a small part in everyone that wishes to accelerate their understanding of life's wisdom.
Sometimes I want to send myself into the future so that I could impart life's lessons back upon my younger self.
"C'mon dude, not understanding the Citric Acid Cycle for a test is not the end of the world. Don't be such a drama king!"
The neat thing is once you start a family, those lessons gained along the way become very practical.
The little ones are going to make their mistakes. You can be there to remind them focus on the big picture, but appreciate the small things.
Jill, glad to hear the operation was a success. The recovery is going smooth I hope. By the way, this is a concerned former classmate. And the thanks is duly noted =).
At 2:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
jill--
so beautifully said. almost halfway through chemo, i am learning many of the same lessons. wish i had learned them before--but now i know.
thinking of you and wishing you very well.
pam (from ysc)
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